Dear Economist,

All your advice about finding the right person sounds very upbeat. But sometimes things just don’t work out. More often than not, you happen to love a person that doesn’t love you back. Then what?  – I have been wallowing in heartache for a week now and am quite fed up. I have even written a song for my lost love! What can I do?

Yours sincerely, Morris

Dear Morris,

You are absolutely right – until we find the right person, chances are that we go through more than one phase of heartache. We’ve been there.

The good news is – you can make this phase very productive for you! Sounds hard to believe, and in order to explain, I will leave the territory of economics, and enter that of psychology. (But as the psychologists entered our territory, and got a Nobel Prize there to boot, I have no qualms whatsoever.)

The secret is called ‘ego-defenses’. Ego-defenses help us cope with reality when the going gets tough. Anna Freud identified more than twenty defenses. Not all of which are healthy. The unhealthy ones include psychoses (think paranoia), and immature defenses (e.g. projecting one’s feelings into another person). Neurotic defenses, such as intellectualizing the problem (only thinking about it in logical terms) or simply repressing it, are actually quite common in ‘normal’ people. The winner are the ‘mature’ defenses. This is what you want. Mature defenses include: humor – laughing about it, anticipation – planning ahead to deal with future problems.

And the queen of them all: SUBLIMATION, i.e. turning the strong feeling such as sadness or anger into a productive activity. If you are angry, run or go boxing. If you are sad…write a song! Quite right. You are exactly on the right track. Write a song, a poem, or…an entire novel! Some of history’s greatest poets and composers had a string of unlucky loves which they turned into remarkable creativity – think Beethoven, Tchaikovsky or Droste. Even Picasso, not exactly unlucky in love, is said to have used painting “to wipe heavy dust off the soul”.

And the best thing is, ego defenses help you both cope with the current sadness and prepare you for success in the future: the recently revealed 70-year longitudinal GRANT study found out that acquiring mature ego-defenses is the best preparation to form happy relationships.

So savor your melancholic creativity as long as it lasts! It’s good for you.

Best wishes

Dr de Bergerac

Dear Economist,

how can you tell if a guy likes you? Each time I have a soft spot for a guy, I am utterly puzzled by his behavior. I seem to be getting a lot of contradicting signals. As a girl, I have a a grasp on how we would signal our interest, but how do guys do it? I need some scientific advice.

Many thanks, Janna

Dear Janna

thanks for consulting us! Your question is one we hear more frequently, and for good reason.  There are no official ‘do’s’ and ‘don’ts’ on this in the dating worlds, and in theory, everyone can show their affection as they like.

But in practice, there are unconscious, but well established ways of showing if you like somebody.  Some capable scientists recently found out what they are, and how they differ for guys and girls. The amazing results are the following:

If a guy is thinking about you as a potential mate, he will

• buy more prestigious objects and make sure you notice them (such as a nice car, designer sunglasses or a fancy gadget),
• he will spend money in ways that signals generosity, such as donating to charity (in ways that you can notice..),
• he will be more prepared to engage in heroic acts of helping, such as saving people from fire or other disasters. (In case no fire is at hand, one could imagine him carrying heavy stuff or clearing driveways of snow..)
• engage in benevolent activities that appear ‘socially dominant’, such as giving a speech to a difficult crowd, or helping in a risky project.
• He will also develop a wish to earn more, and earn it quickly. Probably so that he can do more of the above for you..

These wonderful actions, especially if visibly displayed to you, are likely to mean that the guy likes you.

Sadly, they don’t necessarily mean that he is serious in the long term. While both men with short-term (i.e. one-night stands) and long-term (i.e. relationship and marriage) interests display these behaviors, guys with a short-term interest do it even more. In other words, if your man exaggerates at any of the above, have a closer look before you give in. Men with long-term perspectives have a tendency to invest more in useful things rather than things that are showy only (i.e. the fancy gadget rather than  the designer sunglasses) while the short-term guys do the opposite.

Our advice is: give a chance to the guy who likes to show himself as the big and generous spender, and heroic helper. Do check what he spends his money on though – those with the slightly more boring and useful taste will last longer.

Best wishes,

Dr de Bergerac