From the beginning of this most unusual way of life that we have all adopted, the “lockdown”, I have wondered what it does to people’s love lives. Those who already live with a partner or a family move in closer and spend more time with each other. Those who date or wish to date, can no longer do that in its most traditional form of meeting and going out. Everybody is constrained in the things they can do outside the house. – So I let my thoughts wander but eventually got distracted by a work life that happens to be just as full when working from home.

And then my friend Laure whatsapped me out of my complaisance and urged me to explore the effects of the Corona-lockdown. It turns out she started worrying about some friends and family for whom too much togetherness might be detrimental.

So let’s start with this; although it is usually the successful result of good dating rather than its beginning: togetherness. What does it do to us, and (as economists like to ask) what works?

Hygge and Fiesta

We all have personal preferences when it comes to closeness – and these preferences differ depending on who we are close to: strangers, acquaintances or family. So far so logical. But here comes a funny twist: people in colder countries prefer larger distances with strangers, and closer distances with family, compared to the global average. And the opposite holds for people in warm countries: it is ok to be a bit closer to a stranger, but family doesn’t need to cuddle close all the time. It is not exactly clear why the architects of Hygge also hug more, but it may have to do with literally having to warm each other up. Or with being used to staying inside more throughout the year.

Another variation is that older people prefer larger distances, to strangers as well as to family, than younger people. – All this to be taken with a grain of salt – the research quoted drew on a large but not representative global sample.

The most important lesson from this is to acknowledge that our personal preferences may differ, and that they may also significantly differ from the degree of closeness enforced by the lockdown. You may want to use the full space of your house to generate huggy Hygge or friendly Fiesta, depending on what you need.

But what happens really when all of us, with our manifold tolerances for togetherness, are confined?

Lockdown babies or divorce boom

I cannot wait to see the research papers that will come out assessing the effect of the current lockdown period. Different timing and severity of rules across states and countries may produce a nice natural experiment. For the time being, we can learn from earlier research on hurricane and holiday periods. Carefully trying to conclude from these, the story seems to be that extended togetherness acts like a catalyst: it strengthens strong relationships, and it may well be the last straw for the more fragile ones. There is evidence that low-severity storm warnings entail a peak in fertility, while at the same time divorces tend to rise after the classical vacation times of winter and summer.

There must be something we can do to manage the extremes of the new situation. Has anyone been here before and can advise?

More about space

Select people have had to endure confined living for extended periods well before Corona. This concerns for example astronauts. While their situation is more extreme than our lockdown, it is also chosen and entered into only after long and careful planning. – I happen to be married to a rocket scientist. Not only a rocket scientist, but a sort of ‘space psychologist’. I kid you not – his postgrad research was a multi-disciplinary affair across the faculties of aerospace engineering and psychology: prevention of “human error” in aerospace. So after a few weeks of lockdown, he started sharing some wisdom from the experience of people living in the international space station ISS (a good example is here).

Several experiences that hit us now unprepared, and are uncomfortable, are very familiar to astronauts. First, a feeling of relative help- and powerlessness. You cannot ‘exit’ the situation, and you have to go through it in due course until you arrive. Second, you are so isolated that it is easy to forget what day and time it is. There is no natural rhythm, no commute marking the border between work and life, and it is easy to lose that boundary. Astronauts know this and make an extra effort to restore the balance, to choose the boundary and impose a routine.

When it comes to managing relationships, the key is maximum self-awareness. It is important to know one’s own needs very well and to meet them. Only when our self-care is sufficient do we have the bandwidth of understanding that allows accommodating and nurturing others. Stress will reduce the bandwidth and will be more risky when people don’t know themselves or their needs well. In the conversation linked above, astronaut Sandy Magnus explained that her stress buster was exercise, and that astronauts on the ISS are supposed to work out 2 hours per day.

(2 hours a day! Check that. I really need to up my elvis.)

Astronauts learn and accept elaborate routines. Duties and burdens are clearly agreed, equitable and sustainable. This ensures security and prevents conflict.

Sharing space and time

Most households do not have the elaborate upfront agreements of a space station; rather, roles are more or less loosely negotiated based on bargaining power and availability of outside help, among other things. Over the recent decades, marriages have become more (if not completely) equitable in the time use between spouses, with women working more outside and less inside the home. The arrival of Corona risks upsetting that ‘balance.’ Traditionally female housework that had moved to the market economy such as child- and eldercare, cleaning, sometimes cooking – is moving back into the homes; and some goods are no longer purchased but produced at home.  There is a significant risk that women are silently expected to bear the brunt of these developments; with household arrangements pivoting back to the 1950s. And sadly this seems to be happening.

However, it should not have to be the case. If the protocols of the domestic space station have been set up equitably to begin with, with spouses having fairly similar time use, the new old chores may be shared equally.  I see many men promote their newly discovered domestic virtues, if mostly cooking and baking, on social media. And in my own house, the man has been lead parent ever since a child arrived. Thankfully, our kids’ school is being exemplary keeping up a relatively normal school day remotely.

The kids are allright

Our house has not switched back to the 1950s but right away to the 1800s. We play Little House on the Prairie, with the kids folding laundry and learning how to broom. Our eldest, Tiger Girl, asked to learn chores, and documented her ‘cleaning apprenticeship’ in a power point presentation as a school homework. She has indeed shown exceptional dedication, sweeping bathrooms, watching younger siblings, chopping and cooking – only to present me with a bill at the end of the month. As her pricing was modest and she does not have an allowance, I dutifully signed.

Overall, the education project has been more challenging but also more successful. In some ways, the limits of the lockdown do lock in consequences, and the children have been learning and listening faster and become more helpful, hopeful and hard working.

This relative domestic bliss may certify us as members of the Hygge culture. Upon reflection, I have to admit we may get quite used to it.

(Part II of ‘Love in the Time of Corona’ will look at how the lives of dating singles changed with the lockdown. Stay tuned.)